The Gift that Keeps on Giving.....Money......to me

So. We've stumbled into a business venture my friends. And by we, I of course mean Mayama and I. And I of course mean that Mayama stumbled into it. By dumb luck, the same way he does most things. At any rate, until sometime on Sunday, we're the proud parents of a new fledgling PS3......the "Praystation". Oh, I think you know what I'm talking about. In case you're still not sure, let me provide you with a few literature sources to help you understand.

First.....my good friend and source of all information, Tycho Brahe:

"It had been my hope that the stratospheric budgets of this generation would represent the death of exclusivity, a sweet and credulous fantasy made even more unlikely by the capacities of wildly disparate storage mediums. After this E3, it became clear that it was the same old thing again, only now everything costs more. In some cases, a lot more. What I'm trying to say is that costs a lot.

By which I mean that I will never purchase a PS3 at the price they are asking for it. Let Gabriel be your jungle guide through that choked mess. His genetic weakness for consumer electronics means that he must shiver in autumnal midnight lines and haul his quarry home to savor bitter launch titles. I have no such defect.

I consider myself a person who games on the PC primarily, I own multiple consoles because I love games, but primarily because incestuous exclusivity arrangements necessitate it if I am to discuss with you the breadth of the medium. I am an observer of that scene. As such, I can with a glad heart make what I consider to be rational decisions about where a thousand dollars might go. I'm complaining about the US price, now - our friends in the old country are in for even more savage treament. No. It is very clear that they assume we will purchase whatever gunmetal loaf they flop down on the slab. With a song on my lips, I defy them.

I thought four hundred dollars was pretty fucked when we got our 360s. Indeed, I pretty much considered it the ceiling. It should be the ceiling. I'm aware there is a chart out there showing the price of all consoles adjusted for inflation, and where the PS3 lands in the matrix. This would be great if I were buying it with money I used to have, or perhaps spending valuable, inflation adjusted "Future Bucks."

(CW)TB out."

Next.....the good folks at Misinformer. Not that I'm intimately familiar with their works beyond this, but I'm pretty sure it says most of what I need to say on the subject. Granted, this is really really old. Everyone has seen it, but I will copy and paste it no less. Because I believe it needs a good re-reading now that we're actually "living in the moment".

"Without further ado, I proudly present my exclusive interview with Sony Computer Entertainment of Japan's Head of Top Secret Super Lucky Technology, Mr. Johnny Usohappyaku.

---

Sony: Herro. Thees isa Sony Compyooter Entatainment of Japan. Ret's talk, okay?

misinformer: Hello, what? Um... is this Mr. Usohappyaku? I just received a Playstation 3 in the mail, and I wanted to ask you about...

Sony: Ahh-so! You a super-rucky rucky man, you! We only senda one Praystation 3 to America fora sneek preview, and you at ign.com win rottery! Congraturatons!

mis: Actually this is misin... ign.com, yes. Hi there.

Sony: Herro?

mis: So Mr. Usohappyaku, I can't tell you how excited I am to have this machine in my hands. I could pee myself, I really could. Would you walk me through the new features of the PS3?

Sony: Ah yes. I ama so happy to help you, Mr. Potty man. The Praystation 3 is a super advanced machine of technology. It will confuse and amaze you two times. Rooka at the back of the machine.

mis: I've noticed there are a few thrillingly exotic looking integrated modules on this machine that I've never seen on any console before. What is this first one on the left here labeled "internet?"

Sony: Whaa? Are you a stupid man? It isa internet in the port!

mis: So you mean, you can plug a phone line into it, and play multi-player games online, like with the Dreamcast?

Sony: Dreamcast? Ha ha, funny stupid yankee! You dishonor me with your mention of this Dreamcast. The Praystation 3 does not connect to internet, Praystation 3 CONTAIN the internet. You prugga in the computer to the port, the internet isa all there. We copy it inside machine for fast access.

mis: Wait, so you're saying that you copied every single file on the internet into this box? That doesn't even make any sense! The internet is a constantly changing network of millions of individual machines. How does the PS3 update its so called "internet" if it has no connections to the real network?

Sony: Thasa right. No connections. Praystation 3 get internet from outerspace.

mis: And its power?

Sony: It run on love.

mis: What about the black device on the right labeled "MOD chip!"

Sony: Aaaieee. Why do we bother to label English if you are too stupid and dumb to read and understand!? It is a prug-in MOD chip.

mis: You mean that "game enhancer" that makes it possible to play illegal home-burned copies of games? I don't get it. Why would you make it possible to pirate your own games?

Sony: You Americans, you all are a stealing thief horde of Mongols! We thinking, if we cannot stop you to put irregal chip in machines, you just pay us for chip and we makea more money, right on. Prus, you need to pray all good games Japanese anyway.

mis: Dare I ask what the "Clapper" device built into the center is used for?

Sony: CRAP ON! *CRAP CRAP* CRAP OFF *CRAP CRAP* CRAP ON CRAP OFF, THE CRAPPER! HA HA!

The PS3's multi-media capabilities came through our tests with flying colors. The console not only played an old VHS tape of Perfect Strangers, but also The New Adventures of Mary Kate and Ashley for Gameboy, and a 1972 Clue board game.

mis: Of course. I assume in addition to helping old women turn off their televisions in the middle of the night, the Playstation 3 will also play CDs and DVDs like its antiquated predecessor, the Playstation 2?

Sony: DVD isa old news. The Praystation 3 pray any kind of media.

mis: Well besides DVDs and CDs, what other disc based media is there?

Sony: No, risten: ARR media. Not just disc. It pray DVD, it pray VHS, Beta, it pray SyQuest, it pray record, it pray 8 track, it pray EVERYTHING!

mis: So the PS3 is backwards compatible with all the ancient PS1 and classic PS2 titles?

Sony: Is PS1 and PS2 part of ARR MEDIA?

mis: Er... I suppose so.

Sony: Then it pray! How hard to understand is this, stupid fat man?

mis: Let's change gears and talk about the controller for a minute. This thing really looks fully kick ass! I counted 83 buttons on the device total. Considering the average human has only ten digits, doesn't that many inputs make gameplay almost completely impossible?

Sony: The Praystation 3 hava the most advanced controller ever made. Isa more advanced than controls for Concorde airplane! Its use require discipline and many hours of training with a master. You are young and impulsive. You are a weak germ. You are not worthy of the Praystation 3 controller.

mis: The spec sheet that came in the box claims that each controller costs in the neighborhood of 60,000 Yen. That's 500 dollars! Isn't that a little pricey?

Sony: Oh sure. You whine lazy American. What you build for 500 American dollars? Ford Focus? Ha ha ha!

mis: Touche. This controller does seem to have a lot of... for lack of a better word... crap all over it.

Sony: Ah, yes. Thanka you. The sides Praystation 3 controller have a infa-red frashright for night time playing of the games, prus a bottle opener for opening the beers.

mis: This is one of my favorite innovations of the console so far. If only you had integrated a toilet into the base unit, I'd never leave the couch!

Sony: You no funny. Isa bad scat joke number two. You no talk now no more. You are a suck.

mis: Sorry, my bad. Please continue.

Sony: The PS3 controller also have egg of Sirry Putty and a Rubber Ducky built in.

mis: Are they meant to specially interact with a certain game, like the Samba De Amigo maracas or something?

Sony: No. They just fun. Rubber Ducky, it goes squeek!

mis: There seems to be a mini-game built onto the right wing that's akin to the VMU on Dreamcast.

Sony: Ack! I will bury my fist of fury in your puny skull if you compare mighty PS3 to weak Dreamcast once more! Is not like VMU is better!

mis: How so?

Sony: Because it on console that not suck, that how! Ha ha!

mis: I see. The back of the controller sports a device that I've never seen anything like on any console before. Tell me a little more about JUMBO CLIP^TM technology.

Sony: Some machine, they make you buy extra strategy guide and memory card and game shark to use cheat code, but not a Praystation 3. We have a special input srot on controller that connect paper thin memory units to remember special codes and power ups.

mis: Well, that's totally amazing, not to mention completely retarded. Thank you very much for your time, Mr. Usohappyaku. It's been a pleasure talking with you. I'm going to lord this over my peers for the upcoming months until the PS3 comes out in the States, then for another six months as they all scramble to get their understocked machines from eBay for ludicrously inflated prices.

Sony: You are a great friend and ally. I wish you much happiness with new Praystation 3. For American you are not so stupid. Later jolly potato, see ya."

There you have it folks. And now.....I explain a bit more. Yes, yes there is a Praystation 3 sitting within an easy reach of my left hand right now. It's here. Right here. Sitting here. I contemplated taking it out and plugging the computer into it to see if it's internet is better than Charter's......not that that would be a terribly difficult feat. At any rate.....it's not staying. It was purchased from Best Buy, because they asked us if we wanted it. And really......right now, no, we don't. BUT...........the idiot nerds of the world out there mentioned by Tycho do. And they will pay us for it. On e-bay. Much much much monies. And then, the Rewards coupons will come to me in the mail. And I will get a free $10. And. With the monies we make. We will buy a TV. Also from Best Buy. And then we will get more reward bucks. And then we will get more free things. And by this I mean.....a Wii.....stupid name, infinitely more cost effective system. With.......more amazing game play. Anyone want to challenge me in a samurai showdown????? Yeah......didn't think so.

With love, laughter, and all the nerds' monies,
Yukino